THE STEPH
AWARDS
THE
CRUCIBLE 2019
The Giles
Corey award for Scottish Slimmer of the Year – John Proctor and Elizabeth
Proctor – “More Weight”
The Prison
Service Award for inmate nutrition (or lack thereof) – Rebecca Nurse – “I’ve
had no breakfast”
“You are a
brainless man” “I lack learning for
it” in honour of Donald J Trump for persons in public office
who are there beyond the limit of their abilities (Judge Danforth and Elizabeth Proctor)
The Award
for Diversification in the Brewing Industry goes to John Proctor for his
ability to “freeze beer”
The Award
for the Least Likely words to come out of the mouths of youngest cast
members “I’ll get up in the morning and
clean the house” (Mary Warren)
The Laura
Kuennsberg Award for verbosity –tie -
John Proctor – “Surely you know what a jabberer she is” - Reverend
Parris – “a screeching and a jibberish were coming from her mouth”
Award for
serious overindulgence at Christmas Lunch goes to Mary Warren – “I thought my
guts would burst for two days after”
The award
for least likely statement to be heard about Flybe goes to Giles Corey– “Is
she going to fly again – I hear she flies”
The Award
for the Emancipation of the common or garden walnut goes to Mary Warren “I’ll not stand whippin any more”
The Tess
Daly award for, well, being Tess Daly goes to John Proctor “It’s hard to think so pious a woman be
secretly a Devil’s bitch”. This is tied
with Mercy Lewis “Have you tried beating her”
The Award
for being late in picking up her MBE -
Sarah Good – “I’m here Majesty”
The Salem
Township Award for the amount of times the
menfolk change their underpants – Rev Hale – “twenty six time in
seventeen month”
The Up
Helly Aa shield for best galley goes,
appropriately, to Giles Corey – “You’ll Burn for this, do you know it?”
Top of the
Pops goes to John Proctor’s favourite group, the “Marvellous Pretenders”.
The Award
for complete indifference to the Best Chocolate Treats ever made – Rev Hale –
“What signifies a Poppet?”
The Award
for Least Likely to achieve a National 5 in Fabrics and Fashion goes jointly to
John and Elizabeth Proctor – “What signifies a needle”
The
Anti-Social Behaviour Award goes to Giles Corey for farting on Thomas Puttnam,
as is the Jacques Cousteau award for Undersea Exploriation – “That’s deep, Mr
Parris, deep, deep”.
“It is a bitter cold snivelling woman and I
will not work for such a woman” - this
is an award donated by her cabinet in memory of the late Prime Minister
Margaret Thatcher and it goes to Abigail Williams.
The “Walking
up Market Street on Wednesday Morning after Up Helly Aa award” in honour of
Caroline Watt and Morag Mouat, goes jointly to Mercy Lewis and Ann Puttnam “She
seems to walk like a dead one since last night” and “her eyes open and she
walks but hears naught, sees naught and cannot eat”
The Andy
Kinnear Award for effective and pain relieving dental treatment goes to Thomas
Puttnam “It is a providence, the thing is out now”
The NODA
2018 award, donated by Morag Mouat, Stephanie Pagualayan, Mandy Phillips, Caroline
Watt and Martin Summers goes to Ezekiel Cheever
“I think it be the cows sir”
Award for
Excellence in Direction goes to Stephanie – “this is the last night of our joy”
– and what a joy it has been.